Throw away

If there's one thing I don't regret about the extensive cognitive impairment I'm experiencing as a result of the treatments, anxiety, and more, it's the wonderful forgetting of many, many moments related to having cancer.

I see it as a kind of projection of the soul.

It's very difficult to cope when you remember everything.

The feeling of fear in your mouth, the sound your heart makes when it flutters

The tears that fall silently

And also the disappointments, insensitivity, and pain

So, what I remember most is the day after.

The day when they announced loudly that I was healthy and going back

I didn't really understand where I was going back to and what to do with all the information and memories I had in my head.

I still don't understand that the soul will cast off

Like when you come home after your first child is born, look at the baby and say,

Okay, so what now...

So I came back home, okay, so what now...

The feelings of those moments are etched in my soul. It turns out that tashlich is very subjective; the soul decides what to keep and what to cast away.

I decided that what she had decided to leave behind had a purpose, that I would be there for others the day after.

I will give them a moment to understand what is happening now (and for each of them, the present is different).

That I will make sure that the day after will be engraved in their minds as a source of hope rather than a scar.

And then maybe my soul will choose to discard those memories too.